Thursday, August 9, 2012

I think it's fair, at this point, to say that I've totally slacked off on keeping this blog updated.  There are several reasons for that, but the most obvious of them would be that I've devoted any time that I would have spent writing in here to one of two things: 1. Maxwell.  2. Anything else that I didn't get done because I was spending time with him.  Hopefully also obvious is the fact that I'm not at all bothered by the journal being pushed to the wayside.  Frankly, I've had little to no motivation to write much in here, anyway, so it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

In any case, I figured I'd take a few moments just to put some thoughts down and to answer the most frequently asked question since Max joined our family: "So, how are you liking being a mom?"  I find it difficult to sum up an answer to such a broad question in a short enough answer that still accurately depicts my feelings...however, more often than not, the people asking that aren't prepared for a long, drawn out answer.  Therefore, my answer is usually something to the effect of, "It's been good." I then proceed to overanalyze how the response came off, fearing that I sounded too lackluster or that they expected a better answer.  I fear coming off sounding like I don't enjoy motherhood or that I should've been more enthusiastic about it than I was.  I'm sure all of these are fairly irrational thoughts and probably far from the minds of those I assume are thinking them.  Regardless, they have crossed my mind more than once.

The truth is, motherhood is pretty much what I expected it to be.  I've spent most of my life around, if not caring for, children to one extent or another.  Granted, I've never had constant 24 hour exposure to childcare, nor had sole responsibility for the well being of a baby for the majority of his waking (and sleeping) hours.  However, through those experiences, I pretty much had a good idea of what I was getting myself into.  It has been a very natural transition for me, but a thoroughly enjoyable one.

One thing I did not expect, though, was how devoted I would feel towards my son.  It has been almost four months, and other than a quick run and a walk or two, I have yet to leave my son anywhere (and even those times, he was with his dad).  I could give (and have) any number of excuses for why this is true, but the real reason is that I just haven't been ready to leave him.  I want to be there for him and I don't want to miss anything.  (Coincidentally, this is one trait of mine that has apparently been passed on to him, as he rarely sleeps long during the day :)).  I hear that this eventually wears off, and that you learn to cherish the moments that you do get to yourself away from your children.  I'm not there, yet.  I love watching him learn things and develop.  I look forward to all the upcoming milestones, as big or small as they seem to anyone else.  Even in the times when he's fussy or discontent, figuring out what he needs and making it better for him is, in itself, satisfying and rewarding.   I love that he needs me, and I love that I'm able to make such a positive impact on his life.  It's so hard for me to grasp how in awe of me he seems to be, sometimes.  I feel so undeserving of that kind of enamor, but there is nothing better than seeing his face light up.  

So if all of this is the case, then why, you wonder, have I not felt any urge to write about it sooner?  My answer is that I have been very conservative about what I have felt like sharing in such a public forum.  I have been equally careful about what I share and with whom I share it in person, too.  I know that Adam and I are doing our best making what we feel are the best decisions for our family, and I don't want any reason to second guess that.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that some of our choices would be considered unorthodox and untraditional...and they, frankly, probably are.  However, we are doing what works for us and what makes the most sense for our family, and I don't want to feel like I need to defend that.  Therefore, I'm not trying to be secretive or isolated, but I have had less of a presence on Facebook than I did in the past in an effort to avoid being met with frustration.  

In addition to that, I have done my best to keep any negativity out of anything that I do post.  While this has been good for me in that it helps me to keep a positive mindset, it has also been hard, at times.  There have been moments that I have been met with the inevitable trials of motherhood that I have struggled with where to turn to for support.  I have feared the criticism, unwanted advice, and judgement that might be brought about by sharing any of the stumbles that I've come across.  I know that there are countless people that would combat this statement by telling me that I can tell them anything and that I should never feel like I can't talk to them about something.  However, I have been very selective about the people that I actually have shared with.  Even though the people I've let my guard down to have been very supportive, and more often than not have been through the same things and have had the same feelings, I am more than likely going to stick to being selective.  It has been a huge blessing to be able to have this support system, and I am equally grateful for those of you who have offered...even if I haven't yet taken you up on it.  I have learned, however, that there is something to be said for the face to face conversations, phone calls, and the deep, candid, and unsensored conversations that can't be had via Facebook.  Even now, I'm wondering if I will publish this journal entry...and if so...if I'll advertise that I have.  

Long story short, I love being a mom in the most complex way possible.  If you're a mom, you know where I'm coming from and what I mean by that.  It has been a much more natural, easier transition than I could have imagined.  It has also, in some ways, been one of the hardest.  Regardless, I wouldn't go back, if I could.  This has been the biggest blessing I could imagine.  It is who I am, who I was always meant to be, and who I will be for the rest of my life, and I am so grateful that I can finally be called a mom.

1 comment:

  1. Feels like I could have written this myself after I had Asher. And you are very wise to guard your heart and your family. As for leaving him with anyone...I think Asher was two before I ever left Asher with anyone, and that was with his dad, and after he had weaned. :-) With Audrey, I did sooner. No regrets with either one, they were just different kids with different needs. Blessings... ~H